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When Loving Hurts

November 21, 2015

IMG_0629On Wednesday I walked into court carrying my beautiful, rambunctious, amazing little boy. A few hours later I walked out with empty arms. I did everything in my power to fight for him, to make his voice heard. Unfortunately it wasn’t enough. The court decided, and I believe they chose wrong.

In the midst of this excruciating heartbreak, I am grateful for the chance to have loved him so deeply. I am grateful for the unconditional love and forgiveness he so often gave me. He taught me so much about patience, trust, hope, and love that will forever change me.

There are so many times I look at our broken and hurting world and wish there was some way I could help when praying alone doesn’t feel like enough. Fostering is one way I have found to attempt to make a difference. Yes, it’s hard. Yes, it’s exhausting. Yes, there are days it feels like no matter what I do it’s still not enough; it still doesn’t make a difference. But I have to have faith, and when I can’t seem to find that faith, I have to trust others who say they have faith in me. Despite all the brokenness in the system, I believe working to make a difference from the inside is far more powerful than walking away and critiquing it.

“Do not overcome evil with evil, but overcome evil with good.” (Romans 12:21)

It would be easy to hate. It would be easy to blame. Instead, I have to look for hope and trust that handing this little one over to God’s care is enough to keep him safe.

I will remember the way he couldn’t get close enough to me and used to smush his little face against mine, forehead to forehead, looking me right in the eyes, demanding that I see him. I will remember that mischievous look on his face when he wanted to do something he knew he shouldn’t and he hoped his cuteness would keep him out of trouble when he did it anyway. I will remember the elation and pride I felt the first time he strung four words together in a sentence I understood with perfect clarity. I will remember the way he forgave me over and over again, offering me a hug after I lost my patience and screamed at him and crumpled to the floor in defeat. I will remember the way I laughed at something he didn’t understand, but he started laughing too, which made me laugh even harder. I will remember all the times he said, “I want you,” and could only be consoled as I bent my arm backwards while driving to reach him in his carseat and hold his tiny hand. I will remember all the times he said, “I yuv you,” and called me mama or mommy or “my Julie.” I will remember just how much my heart hurts to lose him, which reflects the depth of love I have for him, and always will. I will remember all of these moments and emotions, and hope that somewhere deep down in his heart, he will remember too.

One Comment leave one →
  1. brentwhite permalink
    November 21, 2015 3:14 am

    Reblogged this on Rev. Brent L. White and commented:
    From my friend Julie’s blog…

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